Selected 20 Best Funny Quotes

1. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

—John Wilmot

2. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

—Oscar Levant

3. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

—Oscar Wilde

4. I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

—New York City detective

5. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

—Norm Crosby

6. Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

—Kurt Vonnegut

7. Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

—Carl Sagan

8. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

—Jean Rostand

9. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

—Lily Tomlin

10. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

—Richard Lewis

11. We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

—Robert Wilensky

12. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

—Scott Adams

13. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

—Anon

14. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.

—Clarence Darrow

15. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

—Cullen Hightower

16. There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

—Cyril Connolly

17. There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

—Dick Cavett

18. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

—H. L. Mencken

19. I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

—Victor Hugo

20. I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

—Woody Allen